Friday, 21 December 2012

A Doctor Office Adventure

What do you do while in the doctors office?
    I'll tell you what I do. I check the waxy paper on the "table" you sit on. Firstly, has no one informed doctors all our lives we've been told not to sit or lay on tables? Because that's confusing as shit as a kid. But you've got to check that paper to make sure the last person didn't soil it at all. I don't necessarily mean bodily fluid soil, I just mean in general. After I've decided it's safe to park my keister on the table, I scan the room. Have they put up any new medically informing posters since last I was here? I pretend to read them and retain the information, but I know I've read this one about being see through and detecting Colon cancer before and yet everytime I think to myself "you're right it would be much easier to spot it!", as if it's new information to me.

       The medical information posters are much the same as the medical tv commercials. They showcase someone being very upset or sick, they truly pick the worst actors for these things, cause I don't believe it. Then they give you a diagram of the affected area with some strong visual to show you it hurts. Like this poster of shingles. Check out those other two just standing there holding hands while that other guy is obviously in some kind of pain. That just seems mean. Hell, I'm one of the first to laugh when someone falls but if they were all hunched over like that I'd be like "dude you ok? Cause if so you'd better stand your ass up and get that vine of spikes out of your back"
    Once I feel like I'm fully educated, I gander over to the jar of cotton balls. Why are they even in here? Have you ever, during your appointment, used a cotton ball? My guess is no, because they're mostly only used for taking blood after they poke you, which they don't do in the actual doctor office. My thoughts quickly jump to Will Ferrel in Elf, which makes me giggle...and cringe. Because I hate the feel and sound of cotton balls. It's just plain terrible.

    How about those tongue depressors? Those things are lots of fun, aren't they? Like giant popsicle sticks. I always think about licking all of them and putting them back into the jar, spreading my germs to all those unsuspecting patients. And to be fair, you can't consider me the evil one about that, because Jerry Seinfeld has forever engrained that idea into my head. Just as I'm about to reach for the tongue depressors, the doctor walks in. I give a look like this. :O Like a dog caught getting into the garbage.
    Does that sound anything like your visit to the doctor?

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