Parenting Advice for Kim & Kanye

If you haven't heard the news about Kanye and Kim, then their celebrity spotlight stint didn't work very well for them. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are pregnant. Well, technically it's Kim who's preggers, but he's (supposedly) the father.

            The results are in...and Kanye, you.... ARE the father!

We feel the same way Kanye.

In an effort to try and help a brotha' out (I'm honing in on my black side here), I thought I'd write down some tips to both Kanye and Kim about what they should and shouldn't teach their baby. Based on previous escapades, of course.

We know you're crazy Kim

• You may up your street cred, but not your fan following, when you upstage someone and steal a microphone when they're accepting an award. Apologies that follow may be seen as forced celebrity manager "parenting".
• Creating a show with all your family could make you famous...for simply doing nothing. However, as you gain popularity you also lose respect. 
• Thinking you're great, and actually being great are very different. Make sure you choose the right option.
• Sex tapes are never a good idea! But they do make your name a common one in the household.
• People will laugh at you if you dare to compare Coldplay to The Beatles, stating Coldplay is just as good, or better, than The Beatles.  
• Defaulting to a fashion "career" is only a good idea if you've gained all those sheep fans
• Twitter can emphasize just how stupid you are- so be careful.
• Don't get married (for the 2nd time) for it only to last 72 days. Because then you meet your baby-daddy and things get messy. It has publicity stunt failure written all over it!
• K's are a popular letter in our families- get used to it
• If you become famous, don't lie about things like your sister's paternity or tweets you've sent... Or just anything in general. 
• Don't be friends with other airhead heiresses
• You can sing about it, but just know...not everyone is a gold digger.
• Lots of perfume lines won't make you seem more upscale...you'll just smell really strongly
• Sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut... In all aspects.

"Do you think they know how ridiculous we really are?"

A Doctor Office Adventure

What do you do while in the doctors office?
   
    I'll tell you what I do. I check the waxy paper on the "table" you sit on. Firstly, has no one informed doctors all our lives we've been told not to sit or lay on tables? Because that's confusing as shit as a kid. But you've got to check that paper to make sure the last person didn't soil it at all. I don't necessarily mean bodily fluid soil, I just mean in general. After I've decided it's safe to park my keister on the table, I scan the room. Have they put up any new medically informing posters since last I was here? I pretend to read them and retain the information, but I know I've read this one about being see through and detecting Colon cancer before and yet everytime I think to myself "you're right it would be much easier to spot it!", as if it's new information to me.

       The medical information posters are much the same as the medical tv commercials. They showcase someone being very upset or sick, they truly pick the worst actors for these things, cause I don't believe it. Then they give you a diagram of the affected area with some strong visual to show you it hurts. Like this poster of shingles. Check out those other two just standing there holding hands while that other guy is obviously in some kind of pain. That just seems mean. Hell, I'm one of the first to laugh when someone falls but if they were all hunched over like that I'd be like "dude you ok? Cause if so you'd better stand your ass up and get that vine of spikes out of your back"
   
    Once I feel like I'm fully educated, I gander over to the jar of cotton balls. Why are they even in here? Have you ever, during your appointment, used a cotton ball? My guess is no, because they're mostly only used for taking blood after they poke you, which they don't do in the actual doctor office. My thoughts quickly jump to Will Ferrel in Elf, which makes me giggle...and cringe. Because I hate the feel and sound of cotton balls. It's just plain terrible.

   
    How about those tongue depressors? Those things are lots of fun, aren't they? Like giant popsicle sticks. I always think about licking all of them and putting them back into the jar, spreading my germs to all those unsuspecting patients. And to be fair, you can't consider me the evil one about that, because Jerry Seinfeld has forever engrained that idea into my head. Just as I'm about to reach for the tongue depressors, the doctor walks in. I give a look like this. :O Like a dog caught getting into the garbage.
   
    Does that sound anything like your visit to the doctor?