Parenting Advice for Kim & Kanye

If you haven't heard the news about Kanye and Kim, then their celebrity spotlight stint didn't work very well for them. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are pregnant. Well, technically it's Kim who's preggers, but he's (supposedly) the father.

            The results are in...and Kanye, you.... ARE the father!

We feel the same way Kanye.

In an effort to try and help a brotha' out (I'm honing in on my black side here), I thought I'd write down some tips to both Kanye and Kim about what they should and shouldn't teach their baby. Based on previous escapades, of course.

We know you're crazy Kim

• You may up your street cred, but not your fan following, when you upstage someone and steal a microphone when they're accepting an award. Apologies that follow may be seen as forced celebrity manager "parenting".
• Creating a show with all your family could make you famous...for simply doing nothing. However, as you gain popularity you also lose respect. 
• Thinking you're great, and actually being great are very different. Make sure you choose the right option.
• Sex tapes are never a good idea! But they do make your name a common one in the household.
• People will laugh at you if you dare to compare Coldplay to The Beatles, stating Coldplay is just as good, or better, than The Beatles.  
• Defaulting to a fashion "career" is only a good idea if you've gained all those sheep fans
• Twitter can emphasize just how stupid you are- so be careful.
• Don't get married (for the 2nd time) for it only to last 72 days. Because then you meet your baby-daddy and things get messy. It has publicity stunt failure written all over it!
• K's are a popular letter in our families- get used to it
• If you become famous, don't lie about things like your sister's paternity or tweets you've sent... Or just anything in general. 
• Don't be friends with other airhead heiresses
• You can sing about it, but just know...not everyone is a gold digger.
• Lots of perfume lines won't make you seem more upscale...you'll just smell really strongly
• Sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut... In all aspects.

"Do you think they know how ridiculous we really are?"

Belly Button Munching Monster

I imagine him looking something like the Cookie Monster, but less happy.  And less… blue.  I think he must be quite tiny to fit in there- my belly button.  Oh, I didn’t tell you who I’m referring to: Belly Button Munching Monster.  What?  You haven’t heard of him?  Don’t you have one living in your belly button?  Let me explain who he is and what he does, and maybe you’ll know him.

The Belly Button Munching Monster is similar to Polkaroo (who is a children’s television show character from here in Ontario, Canada) in that he is never seen.  If you know who Polkaroo is, this reference will make total sense to you and you may even have fond memories of watching the male host of Polka Dot Door miss Polkaroo again.  If you don’t know him, and think I’m crazy, just know that the Belly Button Munching Monster is never seen.

If you’re unfamiliar with him (or her, I’m sure they have females BBMMs, or how else would they procreate? I can just confirm that mine is male… don’t ask me how.), he lives in your belly button and eats small tiny, just noticeable holes in your shirts.  Holes that are small enough you don’t notice them when you put the shirt on, but later in the day when you look at yourself you think perhaps you’ve spilled something on yourself, and instead it’s a teeny tiny little hole.  “Crapola! How’d that even happen?”  This is how I came to realize I totally have a BBMM.  And once they’re in there (your belly button) there is no removing them.  He’s harmless enough, I suppose.  Though it’s starting to get annoying that I’ve got holes in so many shirts.  Why can’t he be more productive, and eat belly button lint instead?

I’ve decided I’m ok with him hanging out.  I’d appreciate it if he didn’t eat my shirts, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.  And I’d hate to see the little guy starve.  So I let me Belly Button Munching Monster, live freely in my belly button, creating holes in my shirts.

Or maybe it’s just my belt?

"Look at how big my shoulder pads are!"

Recently, Brandon decided he no longer wanted to be a cute little Goblin in World of Warcraft.  Instead he thought being an Orc was a more suitable race to represent his character.  I disagree, as I think the Goblin was much cuter.  He says that's not what he's going for- cute.  He wants big and badass.

Let me remind you who Verbosa used to be:  WoW at Your Fingertips

Now let me introduce the new Verbosa:

More dangerous

More badass

Riding an Ostrich... in a pink dress.

I can't think of anything more badass than a large green being, riding an Ostrich (with fluffy tail included) in a ankle to wrist pink frilly dress.  Can you? 

As soon as he made his worthwhile payment of $20 USD to change races on his monthly paid for game, he was so excited.  His voice quickened and things like, "Look at how big my shoulder pads are now!" and "My mount is so much bigger compared to how he used to look".

I was much more excited about looking at houses and clothes online.

Track Pants

The clothing of choice in this household among the men are, you guessed it, track pants.  Prior to officially moving in with Brandon I had only seen him wear track pants at the gym.  Even when I basically lived with him on a 3/4 of the time basis, I rarely saw him wear them.  Then, we moved into our place.  Track pants emerged from the woodwork!  He had at least, 5 pairs of track pants!  Where did they come from?   I wasn't prepared for this.  But there he sits, wearing his track pants.  I suppose I can see the comfort potential in wearing them.

Jai warned me before moving in.  He told me, that when not in his work uniform or a school outfit, he regularly wears track pants around the house.  So, basically as you walk into my house and see the men emerge (it almost sounds like I run a man whore house or something) they will almost undoubtedly be wearing track pants.  Just beware of the fashion malfunction before you come over.

Beauty vs the Beasts... Or fashion at the gym

I try to go to the gym with Brandon when I can. Due to our opposite schedules, it doesn't work out to be more than 1-2 times per week, leaning more towards the 1. It's not that I don't want to go, it's the times he goes and the fact I'm usually working during those times. Very unhelpful to my ideal fit body!

But the days I do go to the gym, I realize something different between the men and women- beyond the obvious. The men wear very practical gym clothes: plain black and white running shoes, usually of some name brand, typically the more expensive the better, baggy shorts (the kind that static cling and resemble those they wore in grade 11 gym class) and some old Tshirt (also possibly from highschool) that has a grungy greyish-yellowish tinge to it from the sweat and ridiculous excessive washing it's endured over the years. Most of the men there don't care what they look like, because they're there for the sole purpose to work out. Of course, there are those exceptions. Those men that aren't quite fully men in their heart of hearts, because they're very cautious about how much they sweat and what brands adorn their "ripped" bodies, and watching themselves in the mirrors. But these guys shouldn't really be considered men at all. They don't count.

Women, on the other hand, are very different. Well, let me rephrase that, the 35> women are different. They (this includes me) find nicely fitting yoga pants from Lu Lu Lemon (or similar, perhaps cheaper, brands). These pants will accentuate the buttocks, black in colour with some kind of splash of colour around the waste or maybe, a stripe. On top, they'll wear a stretchy top, perfectly positioned and situated to cover any possible "muffin top" and a bra which perfectly lifts but also supports to ensure she looks cute but not night-walker inspired. She may wear a sweatshirt of some kind, but it will be cute and match the other aspects of the outfit. Her hair will be up, most likely, and slightly disheveled but almost purposefully so. Her makeup will vary from light to regular daily wear. You see, this girl cares about how she looks AT the gym. It's important to keep up the cute image... Even while in the process of self improvement.

As I mentioned, there's another woman at the gym. She's not so concerned with her image at the gym. I'm not saying this woman is worse, in fact, good for her for being there for one purpose only. But being frumpy while at the gym doesn't seem to improve their results any. So, I'd rather be cute.