Cooking shows make me feel inadequate

During my regular work day, I often work with one guy who loves the Food Network channel... and really who doesn't? It's wonderful. It teaches you all sorts of things like, how to cook, bake and how to not clean up your own dishes after doing all that cooking/baking. That last part I am especially good at. 

When I watch the cooking shows, or often times, eating shows, I get incredibly hungry. And then I really start to watch. You know, like intensely involved in the show. My mouth begins to water, eyes start to burn from my lack of blinking, the gurgling in my belly gets louder (and slightly more embarrassing). I watch these TV chefs dicing, slicing and dashing their way through some "super easy 15 minute braised brisket" recipe. I'm intrigued; 15 minutes, super easy? These sound like key words I am always looking for when cooking. But then I start truly watching, refer to the salivating scenario above. That "super easy" recipe includes ingredients I rarely see in the grocery store (or maybe I'm just not looking for them?). Things like, Gorgonzola cheese, sumac spice and some rare but specific breed of cattle brisket only raised in Northern Australia. Yes, absolutely- that does sound incredibly easy. But I keep watching... 

And as I continue watching, I notice how this seemingly easy recipe the chefs are cooking, really probably could be adapted to be done right in my own kitchen. But I don't have time for that! Rubbing the meat ahead of time with the spices and marinade, lightly buttering the pan, peeling the potatoes and lightly seasoning the veggies.... this all takes a lot of time. Time I often don't have. I'm not saying I don't enjoy doing this when I can. But on an average day these recipes just won't work for me. Thus, I feel inadequate about my (soon to be) wifely "duties".

*DING* 

Oh excuse me, that's my gourmet Kraft Dinner 

Parenting Advice for Kim & Kanye

If you haven't heard the news about Kanye and Kim, then their celebrity spotlight stint didn't work very well for them. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are pregnant. Well, technically it's Kim who's preggers, but he's (supposedly) the father.

            The results are in...and Kanye, you.... ARE the father!

We feel the same way Kanye.

In an effort to try and help a brotha' out (I'm honing in on my black side here), I thought I'd write down some tips to both Kanye and Kim about what they should and shouldn't teach their baby. Based on previous escapades, of course.

We know you're crazy Kim

• You may up your street cred, but not your fan following, when you upstage someone and steal a microphone when they're accepting an award. Apologies that follow may be seen as forced celebrity manager "parenting".
• Creating a show with all your family could make you famous...for simply doing nothing. However, as you gain popularity you also lose respect. 
• Thinking you're great, and actually being great are very different. Make sure you choose the right option.
• Sex tapes are never a good idea! But they do make your name a common one in the household.
• People will laugh at you if you dare to compare Coldplay to The Beatles, stating Coldplay is just as good, or better, than The Beatles.  
• Defaulting to a fashion "career" is only a good idea if you've gained all those sheep fans
• Twitter can emphasize just how stupid you are- so be careful.
• Don't get married (for the 2nd time) for it only to last 72 days. Because then you meet your baby-daddy and things get messy. It has publicity stunt failure written all over it!
• K's are a popular letter in our families- get used to it
• If you become famous, don't lie about things like your sister's paternity or tweets you've sent... Or just anything in general. 
• Don't be friends with other airhead heiresses
• You can sing about it, but just know...not everyone is a gold digger.
• Lots of perfume lines won't make you seem more upscale...you'll just smell really strongly
• Sometimes it's best to keep your mouth shut... In all aspects.

"Do you think they know how ridiculous we really are?"

I Think We See Bells Differently

If you were watching TV anytime in the early to mid 90’s, you knew of shows like Saved by the Bell, Breaker High, 90210, Boy Meets World, Hang Time… and the many others you all knew and watched (even if you would try to deny it now). Did anybody ever feel like these shows accurately depicted your real-life high school experience? Like, at all? 

 

My school can’t be the only one that didn’t have camera crews following around one group of kids. OK, but seriously, when were these kids ever actually in class? I know the shows aren’t supposed to be centred around watching kids be in class and rather are focused on their lives as a whole. You know, all that “coming of age" shit. But really? Do you all really have that much time to be hanging out at the mall, buying meals at The Max, discussing tough personal issues with your principal- who also happens to be your next-door neighbour, or going on day trips in some exotic country in place of actual schooling?  And I don't know about any of you, but I was never saved by any bells!

All of these shows were our dream high school days, not any sort of actual reality. And if they were close to your particular high school days, can you let me know? Cause I’ll send my kids there one day.  

Instead of the glamour and the apparent buttloads of money to be spending on eating out (yet never gaining weight) and buying new clothes every week, my high school life was much more…subtle. I got up and walked to school, attended classes (mostly), ate lunch in a cafeteria where I can assure you everyone did not know everyone else, and food fights did not break out, and lunch wasn’t free! After lunch, it was back to classes (mostly) and then I walked my ass home. Yes, I often went to friends’ homes or they came to mine, maybe we went for a bike ride, or if it was a special day perhaps we had some extra money to go to the movies, go to a party, grab a burger (not a combo).  We didn’t have a special diner we all met at right after school, nor could many of my friends actually afford to buy themselves food.

Aside from homework and chatting with my friends about the cutest boys in our classes, I worked at a farm. Bet you’ve never seen that on a teen TV show? You see, I owned a horse at the age of 12 and had to work my ass off to ensure I could pay her monthly board each month. My mom didn’t buy the horse, so she didn’t pay for the horse. OK, so this is perhaps my own unique situation, and most definitely not everyone’s high school experience. All I’m saying, is where are all the realistic shows at? I suppose they just wouldn’t be interesting and dramatic enough for TV. 

This never happened but was the only female farm worker picture I could find, to which I say- "seriously?!"

                “Shannon walks home from school with her best friend talking about what Brad said in class that day to her.  The friends reach their individual corners to turn to their homes and part ways until tomorrow morning, when they reconvene for the walk back to school. Shannon drops her bag at the front door and gets changed to go to work. But work for her isn’t a uniform, no it’s some old jeans and t-shirt getup that already smells of horses… and a slight scent of poop.”

I guess it just doesn’t have the same interest level, does it?

And nowadays (feeling very old saying that) there are shows like Glee… which possibly depict a bit more of a realistic approach to how high school actually is. Except possibly too far the other way. Let’s start with, no one in my high school (of over 1000 teens) ever threw a slushie in someone’s face because they weren’t cool. It didn’t happen. 

A stabbing? Yes. 

A shooting? Absolutely! 

Slushie throwing? Nope. 

Also, let’s face it Glee kids (or loser group equivalent) you never became cool where people started understanding and embracing your differences. Sure that would be nice in an ideal world, but reality sucks. So don't let Glee gets your hopes up.

So, tell me what was your high school experience more relatable to? Saved by the Bell, Glee… or no where even close to either? Cause I’m going with option c on this one, folks.

Men's Soap Operas

Men are always ragging on women about the soap operas they watch.  I don't really watch a soap opera, per se, but I do love me some Grey's Anatomy.  And Brandon would classify that as a soap opera.  So, going by his standards, his beloved "Always Sunny in Philadelphia" show is also a soap opera.  Just so we're on the same page, I have pasted the definition of "soap opera" from Wikipedia (the always credible essay source).
"A soap opera, sometimes called 'soap' for short, is an ongoing, episodic work of dramatic fiction presented in serial format on radio or as television programming"

So, yes by these terms, I suppose Grey's Anatomy could be considered a soap opera.  However, so too then, can Always Sunny.  Let me explain why.  I made the mistake of asking Brandon how the characters were related.  He proceeded to tell me the following:

Dennis and Dee are siblings, twins I think, who at first thought their father was Frank.  You see, Frank raised Dennis and Dee.  However, a later episode reveals that Frank could actually be Charlie's biological dad.  But now none of them refer to him as their father, instead he's just "Frank". They own a bar together, well Dennis and at one time Charlie, but he later sold his shares of the pub.  So now it's just Mac and Dennis who own the pub together.  Dee bartends at the bar, and owns no part of it.  Charlie and Frank live together in a shabby apartment.  Frank has a somewhat jaded and illegal past and has since given up the business world and lives as a poor man and hanging out with the younger gang.  That's about the gist of it.  While in no way is Always Sunny a typical soap opera, but it definitely has a manly spin on one.



Another, very popular male-centric soap opera-esque "story" is the Batman series.  Anytime Brandon tries to explain to me all the various story lines of the plethora of Batman movies, comics and just known facts I get more confused.  Is Batman alive?  Does Robin exist?  How many different Robins have there been?  Who is Night Wing?  Are there different men who "play" Batman?  Why does Bruce Wayne have a different voice when he's in his Batman suit?  Does Bruce Wayne lead a normal life?  Is he married?  Just how many enemies does Batman have anyway?

And the answers to all these questions can be pieced together either by purchasing every single piece of Batman paraphernalia and taking many, many years to figure it out.  OR... just go ahead and visit my old friend, Wikipedia. Batman's page, of course, links to many of the other characters involved in the story lines, which then link to more and more... this is what makes it a soap opera.  There are way too many characters involved and so many different story lines that inter-connect, sometimes not making sense within others and often ignoring deaths and having characters, even Batman himself, returning from the dead.

Does this not reek of soap opera?!  Many soap operas bring characters back from the dead, explaining their mistaken death as just another twisty-turny storyline in the already complicated web they weave.  Additionally, you have the actor changes.  There have been seven different actors to play Batman since 1943.  OK, quick- speed round!  List them all...now!  I'll wait.

Did you get them all without Googling them?  No, me neither.

• Lewis Wilson
• Robert Lowery
• Adam West
• Michael Keaton  (let it be noted: much better suited to his role in Multiplicity) 
• Val Kilmer
• George Clooney
• Christian Bale

Even in the comic books, Batman is portrayed by Bruce Wayne and later, for a short time, Dick Grayson.  Are you seeing the similarities?  Batman is a soap opera hiding behind the facade of a comic book.  So, next time your man gets on your case about watching your favourite "girly" show, figure out which show he's watching that is hiding behind a manly mask.